What does Feeling Bad teach?

This week I found myself talking and thinking a lot about Feeling Bad. The conversations got me thinking about the different kinds of feeling bad that we all experience, and how useful/counterproductive it is.

Personally, I’ve been the queen of finding things to feel bad about for much of my life. There’s the daily worry, the planning and trying to prepare for every possible scenario, the guilt of saying the wrong thing, not being clear, etc. etc. etc.

I’ve worked hard to outgrow a lot of this kind of feeling bad.

There’s also the bad feelings that come up that are a kind of alert system, when our integrity is challenged, when there are conflicting values and priorities. I’d say this is the most valuable (only valuable?) kind of feeling bad. These are the feelings that direct our attention back to our center, a reminder of who we are and how we want to show up in this lifetime.

I feel this one shows up as a pull away from my immediate responsibilities and family, towards the outer world and the larger communities we’re part of. Climate change. The devastating war in Gaza. Sudan. The housing and healthcare crises in our own neighborhoods and streets. On and on.

The guilt of my attention goes both ways though, and I can’t turn away from my own role as a parent for long without feeling the pull back to what’s at my feet. Dinner on the table, bills paid, loving attention paid to my child every day, especially in these tender early years. What example am I setting, how am I teaching through my actions.

The worst kind of “feeling bad” though, is the one that hits a vein of shame.

And we all have different trigger points around shame.

It can come from the more superficial worries, or be rooted in the more integrity-based alert system. This is the moral judgment kind of feeling bad. And it has a powerful influence on us.

From specific things that happened to us as children, to the long standing conditioning we have from being alive in the world at this time and place, as we navigate our days we each get triggered into “feeling bad” by different things.

There are elements of shame, guilt, empathy, sympathy, humanity, love, concern. We all have our own unique recipes of what triggers us, what makes us feel whole, what makes us feel like ourselves.

Next time you use the phrase “I feel bad…” think about where in your body your reaction is coming from. Whether the outer trigger point is something that that motivates and connects us all as humans and makes our communities stronger, or a more mundane feeling bad about not following through, being late, letting someone down. If it’s shame-based, it’s a toxic load that’s blocking you. Shame might be what’s holding you back from feeling alignment with who you are and what you’re doing in life situations big and small. It might be holding you back from “feeling good,” like you have agency and self-confidence even in the face of a bad or overwhelming situation.

My only hope with this message is that you begin to pay a little more attention to what’s underneath how you feel.

So you can make conscious choices, rather than running on shame-based autopilot.

Taking action because of guilt or “feeling bad” isn’t necessarily bad. It can sometimes be the best thing we can do.

Just pay attention.

What is directing you?

Is it a pull to take action and turn towards a world that needs you to share and speak up about regarding your own experience or a reality that others can’t yet see? Does it light you up and make you feel connected and inspired? Is it leading you to be more in alignment with your truest self?

Yes, even guilt can do that!

Or is it a heaviness, weighing you down and making you feel ashamed of who you. The struggle to balance many competing values, and competing responsibilities is part of being human. We make mistakes, we cannot do it all. And more importantly, we are living in a system of capitalism and patriarchy that forces us into these positions of helplessness, isolation and uselessness. It has us comparing ourselves, judging ourselves, and criticizing ourselves into submission, which takes a toll on our mental health, physical wellbeing, and relationships.

It’s not your fault that it’s hard to show up and Be and Do everything perfectly. And it’s not your fault that you want to be and do it all.

If “feeling bad”is guilt preventing you from being vulnerable and making genuine connections with others, it’s time to let it go. (Hint: Ego is a big player in this equation. What are you protecting?)

When it’s not helping to focus your thoughts on how you can be of service, how you can grow and empathize, how you can stand up and connect with others, there’s another way.

“Feeling bad” that makes you numb and apathetic—because there’s understandably ust too much to care about and waaay to much to do—this is the costly burden you can choose to set down.

WHY we do what we do matters.

In the short run it might not feel like it matters much. But over a lifetime, showing up for the right reasons is what allows us to build authentic relationships, and be honest and brave.

The world needs us to show up authentic and brave and honest now more than ever. To see each other, and ourselves, clearly. And we can’t do that with blinders on because we feel bad.

There’s a LOT to feel good about. There is a lot of love around you. There are a lot of people around you who need you to be happy and whole.

You are doing enough if you’re showing up fully and honestly in your life today. There is a lot of work to do, but you can’t show up if you’re not taking care of yourself and being honest with the messages you’ve got running through your head.

Keep going, the world needs you. And you are not alone.

Love,

Marit